dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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