I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
