The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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