She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
These tits shall not be calmed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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