I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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