I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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