i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
