I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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