i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
