you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
