i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
