"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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