this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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