I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??