you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.