your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
