Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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