The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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