I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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