i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
