4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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