dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
