i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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