Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
