Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
