I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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