i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
