In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
