end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
