The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
