Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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