happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
