I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
