How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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