I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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