I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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