You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
