His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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