mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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