remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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