i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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