I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
