There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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