Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
