I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
