After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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