I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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