Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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