only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
