i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
