Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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