fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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