Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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