i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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