i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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