the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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