I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
