I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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