Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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