Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
