I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
