I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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